To be honest to myself I must be honest with you...

On this day I sit here and I have concluded that I will not apologize for the way I feel about anything. It is the way I feel. If I deny myself of feeling a way about something what good does that do for all parties? I would rather, from this day on, speak my mind. Carefully that is. I cannot apologize about the way I feel because it is a part of me. So what? Accept me or accept no part.

 i just wish everyone around me would get the picture

Why not you (12/1/10)

Tonight I did what I was told to do a long time ago... I went to a chat room for cancer support... It was awesome and I am glad I did it. SO AWESOME! I thought there was something wrong with me when I got upset when ppl adopt the Why Me mentality. but tonight i found out that i am not the only one that gets set on fire when those words fly out of someones mouth.

Someone said to me "ask Why not them?"

That just made me stop.
Yes what ever you are going through right now is hard and we all know you did not ask for it but what is having the Why Me mentality going to do for you? So Why Not You?

Take it on like you do everyday of your life and deal with it.

That chat room is great... I had ppl to talk to that UNDERSTOOD! ugh..so good

She said...Cancer asks no age...
Just like me she thought she was in the clear and then it came back.... and we both still call it a blessing
I am not saying that i want it again but i would not have life anyother way...i would do it again...because of cancer i and changed indefinately...for the better.

so why not you?
Omg...I don't think anyone knows how happy i am right now! God is Good!

What I realized

I had a problem
I got two scarves
One Purple and One Black
those scarves were for those days when I had something to hide
now i don't look at them...
its like they are no longer in need
cuz i no longer have nothing to hide
Indeed

another thing i realized just now...

I had a problem
I got a head scarf
had 3 wigs
don't know where the scarf is
the wigs are collecting dust
they are no longer a must

<3

Follow up to my GBK pictures

The day I had to talk about him in class I broke down... I was just so happy that I finally acheived what I have been wanting to do for a year. All I wanted to do was make a art piece that told my story and the story of many others.

Everyone asked me what I was going to do with him and I honestly did not know... all I knew was that my mom did not want it in the house (and I was right). I saw a sign (literally) and I think I know what my next step for GBK is... It will take some time

Idk what is going to become of him after my plans but I have a feeling he is not going to say in one place too long.

This piece was my little piece of freedom...


This was my reaction when I first started GBK....

Today in ceramics, i made a gingerbread kid... and then later i gave him cancer

=[ but he is ok! lol but yeah I smiled at him and said "I like you kid" It was weird but freeing... i can dig it

cuz he is me! He is everyone! he is him! lol ok i tried to be serious but it is just not working but yeah.... glad i did it! <3

My Ceramics Gingerbread Kid (my cancer kid)

When life gives you lemons...

Sometimes my fellow ppl... you face things that you think you will never overcome. But I am here to tell you that trouble don't last always! (That is all I really have to say) It is just that simple...so keep your head up and keep the Faith!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Life and Its stuggles...

Of late it has become really clear to me that there will always be repercussions for your actions... something you do today might not show up tomorrow but it might show up some time later.

Somethings that happen in other ppls life make me not want to live in a worldly mind...or in better words it turns me away from was is so full of sin and turns me towards what is everlasting.

YOUNG PEOPLE... i cannot stress enough... do not do anything that would bring you shame... if it has to be private and no one else can know or you don't want anyone to find out then you should not be doing it...

It just hurts my heart these days when i see young ppl in situations that could have been avoided, if they had only been more careful and not followed what the world tells you.

Why can't we as teenagers just be teens and not try to grow up so fast? why can't we be our age? man... it really make me sad.

Maybe for some of you the events in life might be a blessing... in a sense that you will grow up and wake up! Some of you will be forced to wake up and others will get the oppertunity to start over...

I don't even know.... all I can say is WAKE UP! PLEASE WAKE UP!!!!

I can't name this...

to all the mothers and fathers out there.... if you child tells you that they are not happy at home, what would be the normal response? would one ask why (unprompted) or start listing the places one could go?

to all the mothers and fathers out there... is it not your job to love and nurture your kids or put them down?
make them feel like there is no one left in there corner?

to all the new mothers and fathers out there... the promise you made your child when they could not understand... will you still keep it when they are 19?

to the parents that have been at it for a while... do you resent your child? do they resent you? do you make life a living hell?

to anyone that identifies with this.... do you feel like somone has it out for you?

all of this floods to me...cuz on earth i got no emotional help(from the ones that should have my back)... OH BUT I HAVE MY HELP! this is the one time that i can honestly say that what i wanna do for the next two years is very clear to me... Thank you Lord i am still alive and what was the worst so far is behind me. sometime a chick just gotta fly....

Today I cried for you...

Of late I have been in the Christmas mood so that is all that is playin in my car....I'll Be Home For Christmas came on and so did the waterworks.

"Christmas Eve will find you, where the love light gleams, I'll be home for Christmas, If only in my dreams" that line it was all it took...
Flashback to Christmas Eve 2008...

When I got a call from my dad somehow I never expected to EVER come. My auntie(antie) Seita had passed...

Feel guilty cuz it is easy to forget...(hard for me to even go on right now cuz I am over here crying my eyes out)
Loved her so much... so many things I learned from her and so many good times... and now they are all memories.(I am so glad i got to see her twice before then. How I felt will always stay with me...)

That Christmas of 2008 She was home for Christmas. That got me thinking... where is your home? Where is your final resting place?

From Sunday death has been on my mind...It is a part of life and no one person can run from it. Sad but true.

So often we make plans for tomorrow and tomorrow is not promised.

All I know is that Christmas Eve, Christmas, anyday....you can find Alseita Aldridge in my heart...Where the love light gleams

I have no gift to bring, thats fit to give our King (Little Drummer Boy)

 Ok i am taking the Chirstmas thing a little too far now i guess but i had ANOTHER moment listening to Little Drummer Boy! Have you really listened to the words?!
 "Little Baby..I am a poor boy too... I have no gift to bring...Thats fit to give our King..."

 Whaaaaat?! I just had to stop it am play it again!

(felt bad that he felt this way... but often we walk around saying the same thing)

Then i thought... Are there times when you feel like the work you do for the Lord will never be enough?
What talent has he blessedyou with? Do you use it to honor him?

"Mary nodded...Ox and lamb kept time...I played my drum for him...I played my best for him...Then he smiled at me..." 

Just last week i was SO ready to give up and change my major and that very same day i was reminded what i was there for...
Do you get caugt up? Forget what the struggle is all for?

Just remember that you were sent here for a reason... everyone's mission is different

As long as you "play for him", "play your best for him"... He will smile upon you :) :)

The Church Bells

everyday when i get here i hear police sirens and ambulances and after a while i got use to them...then there was one day when i realized that church bells ring out over this campus too... idk where the church is and that does not matter... at those moments when the bells ring it is still and quiet... that is all that matters... everything stops and i can hear nothing else but the bells. today a song played... i did not know it but i hummed along anyway cuz i guess i did down in my heart 

the church bells are so much louder and much more haunting than the constant sounds of trouble that circle this campus everyday. when i hear the sirens i feel nothing but when the first church bell rings i am aware.

could it be that the church bells are a greater warning?

Just for me? or for all? are there some that do not hear?


-just something to think about...

understanding

Ok I know as a young Christian teen I should read my Bible lots more and I am working on it but not actively working on it. This morning I got up and I google... and this is what I came up with...

My Google Search...Parents don't provoke your children

Ephesians 6:4 (look it up!)

I try on a regular basis not to be bitter and upset at ppl in my life but after a while what can one do? And all this made me realized that I have just stopped.... I have stopped fighting back... I have stopped yelling... why? Cuz it does not help anything and sad to say I have already made up my mind... i love them but there will have to be a separation at some point...

Peaceful

Why I rep lime green...

I rep lime green cuz I have no choice
See...I am a voice
Lime green was introduced to me in a very tragic way...
and sad to say, it is here to stay
Lime green will claim many lives and touch many others
Friends, sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers...
Lime green is not often talked about...
and that makes me want to shout
"Can't you see what is going on inside of me!?" "Us?"
...
Quietly... it overtakes
One by one, how much more can we all take
The story of many, untold...
and in my hand life I hold
To make a difference is my goal
Step by step...here we go! 

Clean house...

Today I have come to the conclusion that I just don't want some ppl in my life... they offer me nothing... they take from me and never think to give back. They only call me in the time of trouble...that is not a friend. I have found that as the days pass by I am becoming more and more quiet. Why? Just time to step back... I see some things that are going on and really... I don't really know what it all means. I pray that it will be revealed to me. I feel like there are somethings I gotta do... 

My new thing...

I think i have an earlier blog that expressed my need to let the world now about Lymphoma... In my head(lol) and slightly on Facebook... I have started this campaign (don't know if that is the right word) Ask Me About My Cancer! I kinda just want it to be something that helps all people share their stories and spread awareness about all cancers... Some cancers get overlooked or are just not that well known sooooo... that is my idea....

love you!

Empty Promises

Lies the devil told you... fun things that will only last a while... things that got you trapped.... things you can't get out of.
Your sin... what feels good... empty promises of happiness... only momentary... and then what?
back to the way you were feeling before.
does it then bring you great joy? a lifetime of happiness?
no...
have you ever lived a day for the Lord? I can tell you now it is the greatest thing ever... now think about a life time and after death another lifetime.

sometimes ppl take that struggles in life and turn it into a negative... maybe you should all just take it all as a learning experience. look at it as a way to grow. so many ppl are walking around on this earth with burdens that they were never meant to carry.. so what say you? will you leave everything at the alter and let the One that died for you have your back?

Reflection

Often in life were are tested and we have to make choices. Sometimes we are given the answer to situations before we actually get there... question is were you paying attention? Did you get the answer loud and clear? Today if was faced with 2 choices sin or what I knew was right.... for a moment I thought about just doing the easy thing but then I had to think back to just an hour before when something was said about the same action. so.. I went and did what i really had to do and not what I wanted to do. in these times one needs to be close to God and be sure that they are working towards a Godly goal and not a worldly one.Please the Lord at all times.

IN OTHER NEWS...

I have realized that I have become very fired up about Breast Cancer Awearness. In turn this made me very fired up about my cancer. Lymphoma. I want to get involved but i do not know how... I guess this is a start along with facebook. Anywho, I think at this time I have come to a place where I can share and be infomative. Even today I got so emotional because I still can't believe I am here today... healthy. God is good all the time. All the time God is good. Amen? Amen!

Goodnight <3

Continuation

Today was a good day... I woke up and said "Lord, nothing is going to get between me and you today!" and there me day began. I did have some bumps in the road and I did get hurt today... but when talking to the offender today all I could do was smile.Why be mad? Why cry? No reason because life will go on and there are bigger and better things going on all around you. Yes today was a blah day and it rained all day but WHO CARES! Always, Always, ALWAYS make the best of your day! You never know what tomorrow brings! So live life for the Lord and strive to please the Lord at all times! Just get close to him.


I heard on the radio...pray in silence... it gives you the chance to listen to the Lord and for Him to listen to you. Great things come out of silence... the silence is time for reflection. So go ahead and reflect, listen, pray. I am ;) nighty night

Today is a rainy day

Today is a rainy day but I choose light! Got some bright clothes on (reppin JA) Trying not to let the events that have gone on in the past days move me in any way. I cannot grow bitter... I must move on. I am not the problem and I cannot fix the problem alone. Leavin it at the alter and there it will stay.

Today is a good day to just stay in bed and sleep but I am here! Oh well that is what must go on lol...

In closing, In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness.... I like it anywhere my mom doesn't! :-p 

So little time...

You know sometimes you hope to GOD that he will change your life because you think it will be better and you know sometimes he allows it and you realize you took on more than you can handle... well in my case that is what happened... now what will I do? TAKE IT ON SUCKA!!! Would not have life any other way!!!!

Lesson of September

What was once hidden is no longer in the dark.... but who does it matter to? Also in the bigger picture how important is it? To me, when I heard and I see what I see, I don't understand. Why? Because I feel like there is more to life. Look around you and see the life going on in everything. No? Stuck in your small world. But hey who am I to judge... mmmm no not judging just observing

Observe often and speak very little... that is what i got out of last month. this month i feel like it will be about freedom of real self. I feel it coming but i don't wanna get ahead of myself. only time will tell... just gotta leave it up to God.

What I have to show...

What I have to show?
7 scars and a afro

Why I love my scars?

Well I worked way too hard and got this far.

Why I hate them?

Well I hated them because of the disfigurement

Why I got over it?

They are apart of me now, forever on my skin they sit

my afro...
how far will you grow?
love you 'fro
you bring about lots of soul
a side of me i neva knowed
yes at one point i relaxed you
wanted you to flow
who wudda knowed
one day you would just fall away
and leave me with nothing to say
but today
you are back
big curly and black
my 'fro
we go way back

1st Of Many

Sometimes (ALL THE TIME) you just gotta thank God for the things that happen in life. I was driving home tonight and broke down. A song I sang in choir tonight just smacked me in the head! "Selfless love hanging on a tree, for me." I think it just hit me that the Lord owes us nothing but he took it all on anyway. And many times we are so ungrateful and oblivious to what is going on.

Why I am doing this...

My tears tonight were from my soul. An honest shout from the soul, just to say thank you for saving me over and over and over again. That honest shout from the soul was louder that anything that could have ever come from my mouth.

The moment was unplanned, just riding home in silence. Thinkin' about the first time I heard that I had cancer and the second time as well which hurt even more. Then we had to talk about treatment. That was the worst. I don't even remember my last year of high school because my life was taken away from me. Do you know how it is? Today when i went to the doctor i realized that the things that are so familiar to me should not be. Getting blood drawn from all veins, getting told that they feel like they are pretty scared. What about, the surgeries, PET and CAT scans. all seem normal to me. It is my life. And you know all this time i have never blamed God because I believe there is a reason for everything. And now i know why.

My story is no long mine to keep. I think that would be down right selfish at this point. And what just hit me is the fact that, i am the voice for that little girl i saw to day and soooo many other children that can't tell you what is wrong and can't suck up the pain. Maybe it is good that they can't suck up pain, because then they would be here making a blog too.

I am just here to put whatever comes to mind out there for everyone to see.